Caught myself thinking life was not so bad. I’m sitting on a plane wearing silk shorts instead of pants. I have a tinfoil helmet on, with the eyes cut out. Some green slippers from Bali. None of this is illegal. Either that, or no one in the airline industry cares anymore. When I turn my head I’m always a little afraid part of my helmet will fall off- the construction is rather flimsy. Now- is someone going to tell me to put my shirt back on? Apparently not. Even the professor in the seat next to me is not looking- he’s too focused on his little tablet world over there.

Why is no one else laughing at this movie? When I see something funny I laugh –out loud. Sometimes I’ll like hit the seat in front of me if it’s really funny. Is no one allowed to laugh at something?

The first thing you have to do when you get on a plane is take your shoes off. I’m doing that right now. Try to grip the carpet with your toes.

Look, I’m going to take a walk. We’ll see how well this goes over. What, are they going to arrest me for wearing a tin helmet? Listen, professor, I’m going to need to step over your little tablet party.

Something’s wrong though. I think I forgot my cell phone back in the airport bathroom. Otherwise I’d be taking a selfie right now with my lovely fellow flyers.

Oh, it’s so quiet now without my headphones plugged in. Cable just swinging as I navigate down the aisle. I think these big headphones are helping to keep the helmet on actually. Okay let me interview some of these people. Hello, miss, is this seat taken? Yes? Well maybe your “husband” won’t mind if I ask you a few questions. Did you just say you were going to pepper-spray my face? Well I know you’re not because we’re on an AIRPLANE. You don’t pepper-spray in close quarters. Plus I have a HELMET on. And that —AAEEEIIIIEEEEE!!! My fucking eyes!! You’re killin’ me! Stop spraying that! Stop spraying that! …MAN!!

Okay, I’m in pain but I’m calming down. Calming down. Where did she go? I close my eyes for a second and she’s gone.

Now wait a second, where is everyone else from this part of the plane? Where did they all go? Okay, well watch this. I’m pressing the flight attendant button repeatedly. When someone gets here I’m going to ask for some coffee and a slice of pie. All I need is some coffee and pie to enjoy my life for once.

Now this started out as a good day. Actually no, I’m lying. It started out as a terrible day. I kind of had a fit. Let’s just say I did a lot of things I’ll pretty much regret the rest of my life. So yes, started bad then turned good when I found this tinfoil.

You know, I’m just going to sit here and wait. Sooner or later someone is going to have to bring me some coffee. If not, I’ll demand a refund. You know, I’m kind of coming down now. First I was up here, then I was plateauing, then I started coming down. This helmet is sweaty and it’s cutting into my face. It’s these headphones that are so annoying. Get these headphones off me! That’s better.

Listen, it’s getting a little creepy. I think I just saw someone peek from behind that curtain. They’re leaving it kind of dark over here –I know why. Silver headgear looks way better in the dark. Especially if you just had to throw it together the day of.

Why do I feel like we’re landing?

Why do I feel like I’m being surrounded by a bunch of cops? Maybe because I am. Well, it’s been nice talking to you. We’ll have to get together at some other juncture- some time when I’m not being dragged down the aisle by a bunch of pimple-faced teenagers in SWAT gear. Look, let’s talk then –okay?

 

 

The two of them lay on an inflatable raft floating and spinning slowly down the river. His skin was partially torn off, revealing robot mechanisms and wires beneath. Her skin was mostly intact. She lay with her head on his chest, listening to the pistons extending and contracting his mechanical heart. Birds chirped in the tree branches that had grown over the river. Now and then a fish jumped out of the water to catch a dragonfly in its mouth. The robots’ eyes were closed but the female’s hard-drives were running, purring as they sorted information.

Spinning around a bend in the river the raft floated past some soldiers in Revolutionary War patriot uniforms who were coming down a path through the woods. As the soldiers set up a picnic of pheasant on a large rock slab, one of them spotted the raft floating by. Hey, look at that! A young soldier said, pointing a pheasant drumstick at the outlandish raft. An old man plucking pheasant feathers took notice as the raft floated out of view.

Further down the river the raft encountered some rapids. It was thrown around and almost capsized but the robots didn’t open their eyes, they just held each other tighter.

The raft floated day and night, for miles through forested areas. Occasionally delinquent kids, out smoking in the trees, threw rocks at them. Dragonflies alighted on their foreheads. Now and then the raft snagged on roots extending from the riverbank but every time the current pulled them away.

After about a week they reached the outskirts of the small town of Briardale. The male robot’s eyes popped open, glowing red. This is it, baby, he said, squeezing the female’s shoulder. Her eyes popped open too, glowing magenta. They hand-paddled the raft over to the shore. Pulling themselves up onto a small dock they left the raft behind, heading towards a few small buildings with people working on boats nearby.

Even from a distance the mechanical precision of the robots’ gait looked unnatural and the dock-workers stared. Anyone who got too close was instantly lacerated by laser beams shot from the robots’ eyes. Word spread and by the time they reached the town square a rag-tag militia had assembled, crouching behind the old stone walls, mismatched muskets pointed at the intruders. The mayor of the town, with muttonchops and hair tied behind in a pigtail queue, stood on the stage of the central gazebo and addressed the intruders. Thou shalt step not a foo—and he was brutally diced with double laser beams. This set off a torrent of bullets from the militia that ripped the skin clean off the robots, revealing spidery silver skeletons. Smoking, the robot skeletons continued to advance across the town common.

Just then the patriot soldiers arrived from up the river. The trained soldiers jumped the robots and the sheer weight of their bodies pinned the robots down. But even with fifteen men per robot it was a struggle. Now and then one of the patriots would get thrown, landing some yards away. Keep them down, said a voice. The old man who had been plucking feathers at the picnic came wobbling across the grass. He pushed between the soldiers and opened a panel in the back of the male soldier’s head. He pulled some wires apart. There! he said and the robot froze in position. But just then the female robot erupted in fury, throwing off her attackers in every direction. She blasted a laser beam at the old man but he tumbled out of the way and lost only one of his legs. Blood gushing from where his leg had been, he lifted the male robot’s head and, operating controls inside the back panel, used the head to fire laser blasts at the girl robot, forcing her to dance back and forth. They traded laser blasts until finally the female robot unleashed a tremendous magenta fireball incinerating the old man and the patriot army soldiers and creating a huge crater in the town common. When she realized she had unintentionally melted to death her robot companion she let out a terrible siren-like scream and took off like a rocket into the sky, the likes of her never to be seen in Briardale again.

 

 

Everything was just so. There were tables laid out with body parts and one table with brains. It was Josh’s job to put everything together and have a set of functioning humans for the show in an hour. He knew if he put the pieces together incorrectly the thing wouldn’t work and there’d be one less human walking out on stage. He started with the toes, attaching them to feet where they clicked into place like magnets. He wore a headlamp and thick, round glasses. When Marcie came in he almost had a full body going. We’re on in thirty-five minutes, she said, looking at her phone. I am aware of that fact, he said quietly, not looking up.

I’m seeing one body not even done yet, she said, picking up a brain from the table and turning it over in her hand. The first one always takes the longest, Josh said. He clicked the brain into the skull. See, look. He plopped the frontal bone and the parietal bone on top of the head and clicked them all together.

It has no eyes, she said.

I’m getting to the eyes! He picked out two matching eyes from the eye table and tapped them into place. The body suddenly came to life. Hello, nice to meet you! he said to Josh. Josh looked at Marcie and grinned.

Well, you’ve got nine more, Marcie said before leaving the room. Josh went and turned up the music. New York Hardcore always made him work faster. Can I help you? the newly assembled human asked.

No… Uh… Just stand over there, Josh said. The new human complied. He stood by the wall naked, watching Josh work. Before long Josh had a second one ready, a woman this time. Now go stand over by your friend, he said to her.

That’s not my friend, she replied.

Okay, I just mean that guy. Stand over by that guy.

I don’t like that guy, she said. Josh stared at her. What’s not to like? he said. He was just born –just like you! But she wouldn’t budge, standing a few feet from Josh, naked like the first one. Okay, okay, Josh said. Just let me focus. I’m running out of time.

How much time do you have?

Josh checked his phone. Sixteen minutes! If I don’t stay focused I’m going to screw this up so please—

You’ll never make it.

Josh glared at her, then pressed ahead. Soon a third stood in front of him and he clicked the ears on. Oh, hello there, the new girl said.

Okay please stand over there by him while I finish the rest of you, Josh said.

Why can’t I stand here, with her?

What’s wrong with that guy? said Josh. Just stand over there!

Why doesn’t she have to?

Listen, all of you, just stand in one place, you’re distracting the fuck out of me!

Can I turn this music down?

NO!!!

Geez, sorry. What’s with him?

He’s been like this the whole time, the first girl said. Then Marcie appeared at the door and looked in. That’s what I thought. Just give me what you have, she said.

Look, here’s another one, Josh said, fitting two arms onto another male.

That’s not the right head for that body.

Yes it is.

No it’s not. Just give me the others. Do they have names?

Not yet. You can do the honors.

Okay, Human One, Human Two and Human Three come with me. The naked people followed her out through the door toward the stage. When she was gone the new one turned to Josh. Is my head wrong? he asked Josh. Josh stopped working and stared at the body and head combination. No, she’s smoking crack. Quick, you might still make it! He pointed to the door. The new guy went out. Josh looked at the time on his phone. Fuck! FUCK!

He dropped down onto the couch. He stared blankly at a half-assembled human in front of him. Need help with that? Josh turned to see the fourth human in the doorway. They wouldn’t let me on stage, he said. Show already started.

The fourth walked over to the half-assembled body and began adding body parts to it: ribcage over the lungs, pectoral muscles over the ribcage. How do you know how to do that? Josh asked.

I just do.

Josh watched as the fourth assembled six more humans perfectly, in record time. The newly finished naked humans conferred over by the soda machine. The fourth walked back and stood over Josh. Since it’s too late for us to go out on stage we’re just going to go, the fourth said. Then all seven filed out the door, heading to the elevators.

Josh sat there. He reached up and turned off the music. It had started bumming him out. Then he lay back on the couch, putting his feet up. He lay there staring at the ceiling, wondering how long it would take for someone from head office to come down and give him the can. He glanced over at the table. There was a single eyeball staring at him. How could they forget that? he asked himself. And then he started laughing. He was still laughing when Marcie came in and told him to get his stuff and clear out. Even down on the subway, cardboard box in his lap, he continued to laugh. The sour expressions of the other subway passengers struck him as hilarious and he erupted in loud guffaws that made his eyes water. When he arrived at his stop he wasn’t laughing anymore but he still had a big smile on his face. With a spring to his step he pushed out through the turnstile and ran up the stairs into the light.