These days, if you want to hire me for something it has to be really bad. I’ve already done all the torture, the rape, the brutal maiming, the senseless cruelty that surprises even the most desensitized victims.

Or, conversely, you have to hire me for something unbearably good. Everyone has the potential for charity or a nice word here or there but today only the most sickeningly sweet deeds catch my attention. Which is why, when I got your letter from your Hospital for Extemely Disfigured Children, it caught my interest. I thought, everyone has seen me do all the despicably horrific deeds, repeatedly. But devoting my life to helping those little cripples rivals some of my worst undertakings, only what interests me is that it’s on the opposite end of the spectrum.

When I discovered that some of the children were in your hospital on account of my own actions, this only peaked my interest more. How ironic that I myself would suddenly transform from devil to saint, seemingly overnight.

So, in answer to your query, yes, I accept the offer to devote myself to a life of abject poverty in order to bring joy to the little ones. I positively look forward to slaving selflessly in the cleaning of their quarters and bathing them when they become incontinent. And of course, I will happily care for the little bunnies, duckies, and chickies kept on the premises. The ones too little to drink properly I will cheerfully drip water into their little mouths with an eyedropper.

This may come as a surprise to some, but I also agree to shave my pointy beard for the occasion. I’ll arrive clean-shaven- you’ll hardly be able to recognize me!

And in regards to a time-frame, I agree to forever. Anyone can put a smile on someone’s face on a lark, but to do so repeatedly, for infinity, that really takes it to the next level, don’t you think?

My carriage will arrive on Monday and I will bring no worldly possessions, only my newfound, overflowing desire to do good!

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